Don't worry, they have a very lovely life

I was flipping through the channels while eating my lovely dinner (alone) and I stopped at Six Feet Under. It shows a woman, eating alone and then she suddenly chokes. Cut to, a week later when they discover her body. This is coming off a very long lonely weekend that officially marked the beginning of my first holiday season alone. Last year I had Jordan, and the previous years my parents lived in town. This year it was about 4 hours of family time, and 4 days of avoiding stores. Which meant a lot of walks with Slinky to Wash Park, lots of cleaning and lots of Netflix (I do not recommend The Libertine, I do recommend Bridge and Prejudice). I did have some get togethers with my fabulous friends and what not, but it was one of those weekends that while I kept busy, I felt completly alone. For the first time since my breakup I felt the need for true intimacy. I missed being held while I fell asleep. And waking up with someone--and not feeling scared or trying hard to remember their name. So this combined with the fact that I will be on my moon soon, and then add to it the "cautionary tale of the lonely woman" on Six Feet Under, I lost it. I literally cried for an hour straight. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. I spent 20 minutes on the bathroom floor with a roll of toliet paper wiping my tears. And then something happened. I realized I was sorry. Sorry for not knowing how to love, sorry for being a bad girlfriend, sorry for all of those times where I was jealous, or possessive, or out of line. I asked for forgiveness (from whom, I'm not really sure) but I asked to learn, and have compassion. And be able to love next time without such pain. And then I looked at pictures of Jordan and me... but past those pictures there were pictures of my friends, and my family. And I realized I do know how to love. I just didn't know how to love him. And then Harry called. He called just to say Hi. And that is exactly what I needed. Since I met him, in my mind he has been the reminder that those men are out there. His call could not have come at a better time.