Nekkid Radio

This morning I had a dream I was a guest start on the BJ, Howie and Jennifer morning show on ALICE 1059. The catch was they were broadcasting nude, so I would have to guest broadcast in the nude as well. We were broadcasting from Children's Hospital. When we finished I got on my bicycle and rode home... yes, naked.

I woke up about 10 minutes into my alarm going off. Apparently this wasn't a dream so much as me confusing sleeping with waking life. The morning show my alarm is set to really was doing their show in the nude and they were plugging some benefit for Children's Hospital. Sometimes a dream is just a dream... sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

The Heart of the Matter

"To see your heart in your dream, signifies truth, courage, love, and romance. It is representative of how you are currently dealing with your feelings and expressing your emotions. Also consider the saying "the heart of the matter" which implies that you may need to get down to the core of a situation before proceeding. "

In my dream I am at the doctor for a routine physical. She listens to my breathing and tells me I need emergency open heart surgery. The problem? My heart is too big for my body, and if it keeps pumping at it's size it will overwhelm the rest of my organs. She asked if I had any symptoms, particularly effecting my smile. She said that sometimes a big heart can affect ones ability to smile. I told her yes, I had not smiled lately... and I was rushed to the ER. I was out during the surgery but remember watching them rebuild my heart. They sliced it, removed a chunk, and then reattached the two halves, delicately placing layer after layer, and taking the time to sew it all together. I woke up in the hospital feeling no pain.

This weekend something very traumatic happened to me, something I thought would never happen to me and something I thought if it did happen, there would be a clear cut right or wrong. To be hit by the person you love is one of the most core shattering experiences I have ever felt. You don't know where it comes from, you want to hate them but sometimes you can see past the rage into a person that is hurting and does not know how to deal with things. In a matter of day, I lost the person I loved and had to move out of his apartment. Thank God I have family, with whom I am staying currently.

The shake up is life changing. I had been feeling the need for a new start and this was the literal and metaphorical push I needed to make that happen. Can that person change and can we have a relationship again? Can I forgive him? Where will I be living in three weeks? All these questions and only time will provide the answers.

Dolphins and Pregnancy

Originally posted on myspace on 11/6/2007
Dolphins and pregnancy
As some of you know, I tend to have the strangest dreams. Last night was no exception. At first I was at the beach, and was watching the water when I noticed to dorsal fins. Those two fins belonged to sharks. But right as I got scared, they were followed by 4 dolphins. I am not sure what happened in between that time and what happened next in my dream, but the next thing I remember I was tossing and turning in bed, only to find that I was sleeping on my stomach, and it was incredibly painful. I reached down to feel my stomach and felt a very pregnant belly. I turned over and looked at my stomach, and I was definetly pregnant.
Thank goodness my boyfriend does not have myspace, because he would be long gone. Thank goodness I don't believe in literal interpretations of dreams either, because I would be long gone as well. I looked up the meanings of the two prominent symbols and this is what they mean:
Dolphins: Dolphins represent friendliness, communal living, rescue, communication, and affection. They are water dwelling mammals and in our dreams they represent our willingness and ability to navigate through emotions. They represent positive messages from our unconscious minds. Dolphins could also represent a positive connection between our consciousness and to those parts of the psyche that is a mystery and largely unconscious.
Pregnancy: symbolizes being "pregnant" with ideas and is a good omen for women.
I think this is good for me because I am going through a point in life where I am facing a lot of change and need to rely on something greater than myself (my friends, my family, my spirituality) to guide me through to the right path. Next time I write in this blog, I am sure it will be about some major changes in my life!

Here's to you racist-classist Hot Guy!

What if you were on a first date and the first question someone asked you was deeply personal and offensive? How would you react? Well. I don't think my reaction was true to form, because I was blinded by his incredibly sexy South African accent and gorgeous smile. One of the first questions Mr. Elite asks me is, "What is up with Puerto Rican women and Black guys? Aren't they worried about diseases?" Umm, excuse me? Come again? Pardon? I was completely caught off guard. How do you begin to answer that? Let alone to someone who comes from a different continent where in fact, the Black population may be more affected by diseases, however it may have something to do with, I don't know, GLORIFIED INSTITUTIONAL RACISM?! I am very opinionated and will not shy away. But I think a valuable part of being open minded--or the true definition of the term--is to listen to the other side. Which I did. With that gorgeous accent, and those beautiful white teeth, and that hair... wait wait wait, he is saying things that I don't agree with! Or do I? Truth be told I am conservative on a lot of issues. And while I acknowledge the institutional barriers set up for people in this country, I believe in the power of motivation. If you want to be something, you will become it. With that said, that takes incredible strength, that is not always easy to muster when you are living in the projects and have to pass people shooting heroin to get to your apartment. All experiences I have lived and my mother has lived. And somehow we left those places and did not get sucked in. Was it the love of family? Was it our own desire to be more? I can't tell you. I can tell you unfortunately my story is the exception to the rule. I realize that everyday of my life. I am where I am because of a unique set of circumstances and a unique blend of blessings.

Needless to say, the conversation stirred a lot in me. And while I was not thrilled with his opinions, I was not appal ed. And more importantly, I appreciated his honesty. I hate when people say, "I'm not racist!" but then are truly surprised when they hear Barack Obama speak and say, "Wow, he's articulate!" What, did you expect him not to be? That is racism in my mind. So anyway. I would like to see his pearly teeth and sexy accent again, but maybe we can talk about movies, and hobbies next time.

I have no time for this

So, I do believe I have been officially broken. Friday night Brian TEXTED me that he needed a "rain check" for our date. Who the fuck asks for a rain check for a date? Can you at least have the decency to call me? I was 3 drinks in at this time, 6 feet tall and bullet proof and I wrote him, "No rain check needed. I don't waste my time with people who don't know what they want." LOL... but I was crying on the inside, which leaked outside. On the car ride home, I could barely keep the tears from flowing. When I walked in, ready to fling myself on my bed with Rocco under my arm, I was faced with a room full of Moon Goddesses. Shit, we are hosting moon circle at the house this moon. But I couldn't handle it and ran to my room and cried, sobbed, and heaved would be the more appropriate term really. Why had this guy broken me down? Why this guy who I've been out with 3 times? Why now?

I think the answer is simple. He has been the first guy I have met that meets more than the minimum of my criteria. I am attracted to him, he has a great job in which he is passionate about, he dresses well (DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT MY LUNCH DATE WITH A GUY IN SWEAT PANTS?! WTF??? WHO WEARS SWEATS ON A FIRST DATE, EVEN IF IT IS A LUNCH DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), is fun to talk to, enjoys the same things I do, on and on and on. The lesson I came of this is: Never settle for anything less than butterflies (not my words, but you get it). This goes back to my obsession with making lists lately. I will not settle for anything minimum. I know I know what I want, and I need to stop fooling myself. This includes hanging out with people who are "nice" or "easy to talk to." I want to make love to him in the morning!
I want to be excited when he calls! I want to get butterflies thinking about our last kiss! I want fireworks! Brian was the first guy to awaken that, locally anyway. I got overly excited at the possibility of him. This too shall pass.

-- Juana Beso, no longer smitten.

Movie Reviews

I've seen some AWESOME flicks these past few weeks, wanted to share with you all.

1) Do it For Johnny--a local indie flick. Not sure where you can find it, but look for it playing somewhere! It's about this group of filmmakers who have a script they desperately want Johnny Depp to read. So they build a special guitar for him with the script in the back. The movie is their two year journey to find the elusive, Johnny Depp.
2) Dreamgirls--yes, I know this makes me sounds like a drag queen. But I LOVED IT! And I'm not ashamed to admit it. The costumes, the make up, the music, the glamour, I almost exploded. The acting is fantastic as well. Don't take the guys though.
3) Sherrybaby--extreme caution with this. It will tear your heart from your chest and do Riverdance on it if you or your family has struggled with addiction and jail time. The story hit so close to home for me and I found myself sobbing in one part. Maggie Gyllenhaul got snubbed for an Oscar nom if you ask me. The movie makes you ask, "Are there any good people in this world?... Are the bad people really bad?" I'm telling you, heartbreaking.

Still Smitten

Smitten with life a little. I get to plan a fabulous cocktail party for work, and I say fabulous because I'm planning it, and it will be. And Brian, ah Brian... my tall Latino drink of water. We have hung out a few more times and he is a good guy, a bit confused and torn, but a good guy. I think I was right about this one.

I have started making lists of what I want. I used to believe it was more important to know what I didn't want but I am realizing what a load of crap that is. To realize what you don't want sets the stage for pure mediocrity. I went to the coffee shop with Deena and we wrote in our journals for like 2 hours. Thank god for friends going thru quarter life crises as well. It was one of the most healing things I've done in awhile. I listed, point by point the things I wanted in my career, and in my love life. Since then my outlook has changed and everything seems a little more manageable, like there is a purpose to all of it.

I went to yoga last night, again with Deena. She is like my lesbian life partner these days. Actually, she's just a phenomenal friend whose presence alone has helped me get through a lot these past few months. I felt like a new person when I left. And then I had a very odd, random conversation with Brian at The Spot. We talked about exes, and why relationships are hard to manage right now. I got a little sad, because it seems like he is not over his ex, nor is he ready for a relationship. And I am ready for a relationship, just not a serious one. But then he left it with, "I want to keep building on this and what we have. I want to take you out, I want to ask you out--it's Wednesday, and I am asking you out for a Friday." So weird mixed messages right? I was also called, "smoking hot" for the first time in my life. That is something that needs to be recorded, it's pretty monumental :)

It's Official

It's official, I am totally smitten. It never takes much, but it also doesn't happen very often. Now if you read my blog, you know I am boy crazy, but I am not crazy about most boys. There is a big difference. I am a notorious commitment-phobe or judge things way too quickly, which usually makes things into a big sloppy mess. But this boy, I could be crazy about. We shall call him Brian. Brian is TALL--and contrary to popular belief, I love tall boys. But when the pickings are slim, that is the first thing to go out the window. I also think he resembles my celebrity crush, Eduardo Najera, a little. He has the coolest job... but I won't tell you because that might give something away. He's also hilarious, quotes Seinfeld, and knows about the Chuck Norris Facts. There are two cons: 1) he dated a sorority sister of mine--honestly though, if you are Latino in Denver you have most likely dated one of the us. And #2) he lives with my arch rival, whom we shall call Sammy. Sammy is also a journalist and friends with Gabe. I don't think Sammy is a bad person, I just don't like the way I have seen him treat women, and I don't feel the need to pretend to be OK with it.
Where am I going with all of this? Oh yeah... me being smitten.
Misogynistic roommates and sorority sisters aside, this guy is something. So much something I am day dreaming about him at 10:30 in the morning at work and had to write about him because I thought maybe that would get him off my mind a little.

Last Chance at Happiness?

Are you fucking kidding me? The Last Kiss is the biggest dissapointment thus far. I think Romantic dramas are the most under done films in Hollywood because honestly, all of our romances are dramatic enough. With that said I still love Closer. Maybe it was Clive Owen. But at least those people were fucked up, and mean to eachother, and good actors? And I don't know, and it seemed like someone who read more than a newspaper and watched Entertainment Tonight wrote the damn thing. And Natalie Portman was "the young girl" but my God, she had brains. Anyone who can fuck Jude Law over is cool in book. Rachel Bilson did little to further the plight of young women trying to have a meaningful life and meet a man that is perhaps worth a shit. Ehhh, don't rent that movie unless you want to raise your blood pressure and hate everyone you see for the next 24 hours.

When It Rains, It Pours

When you have one fight with a friend, you can blame them. When you have two fights with two friends within the same 24 Hour period, you can't help but blame yourself.
The first fight was with Shaunae regarding some information about Alba's new interest. I had already known some things about him that I wasn't necessarily comfortable knowing. However, this last tidbit of information was the final straw. And although I promised her I would not tell Alba, I told her. I later texted Shaunae that I had told Alba. She FREAKED out. To the point where this occured Friday night, and as of midnight last night I was still getting rather lengthy, and very angry, text message from her. But too bad! Why? Because some secrets, no matter what is at stake, need to be told. If any of you were dating someone with a past that I knew about, I would tell you. This issue hits particularly close to home for me, because Jordan had an extensive past that many of my friends seemed to know about, but never thought to tell me. I would have welcomed the information. It would have hurt but not hurt more than constantly wondering why it was that some friends never seemed to embrace him. Or always seemed so cold around him. So consider this your warning, if any of you tell me a secret that involves the personal life of another loved one (and can help them out) or you leak some potentially dangerous CIA secrets, I will tell someone. I am no priest, I have no vows to uphold. When a secret you have is not your own, and can affect someone else, what makes you think it is your secret to tell and keep?
I bet I sound like an awful friend.
The second fight is so much more girly and melo-dramatic. Yesterday morning I was on the phone with Harry while I was still in bed. He asks how I am doing, if I am freezing my ass off, etc. He then proceeds to tell me about a party that he went to. And how he began talking to this beautiful girl. He throws in there that he took her home. I ask, "Is she still there with you?" He says, "No, I got rid of her at 6 this morning...so, what are you wearing?" I wanted to say "Sweat pants motherfucker, it's cold!" but instead I got quiet and just said something lame like, "I have to go... " Him: "What happened, what did I say?" Me: "I don't want to be sloppy seconds, even if it is over the phone. I am going to go now." Him:"First of all I was joking, but... you know what? I'll talk to you later." I wrote him a text to apologize and I get a text about 20 minutes later saying that this whole thing is wrong, and it's not fair to either of us. Have a great weekend. I think I was overly sensitive given my argument with Shaunae and that set it off. We joke like that all the time. He asks me who I'm seeing, I ask him who he's seeing. It's always been a pretty mutual understanding. And I totally got dramatic on him. That one was my bad.
Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!
Thank God for Slinky and the book Beneath a Marble Sky, oh, and BettyLou's (previously mentioned as Muffin in this blog) delicious brownies. And long walks in Washington Park, getting my hair done, and the movie Volver (those women had real issues). Yesterday was completely emotionally draining. I am so glad I woke up to Slinky's wet kisses, it's a sign it is going to be a much better day.

Issues

I apologize for not posting to you, Mr. Blog. It's unfortunate but good, I got an actual diary. I feel like diaries have special energies and the last few I've purchased had no energy, or bad energy. Every time I wrote in them it would be about bad things and so I lost my interest. This diary, that my auntie Susan bought me for Christmas has fantastic energy and I have been writing things from haunting dreams to observations and resolutions for the New Year.

Here's the quick and dirty. I partied way too hard on New Years and during the blizzards. But the blizzards were a blast! I went to Florida in between B1 and B2. Which was nice to be with my family during the holidays, but a huge cluster fuck. It was much too rushed and my nerves were a mess, causing me to be cranky and tired. I feel asleep every time we got in the car to go somewhere. Of course, I think that has to do with the fact that everywhere is so far in Florida.

On the man front: There is a new interest, I shall call him TTB. He is very sweet and really easy to talk to, not to mention a great kisser. I really enjoying spending time with him and he is totally that person I can have a serious conversation with, but I don't feel embarrassed to me my normal silly, goofy self. I worry because I think we went a little too far last night and I started getting my regular "commitment anxiety." I had to convince myself to stay over, NOT to run away right away. Which turned into a bit of a disaster because Slinky, only I can love him, was being his regular hyper self and annoying the other dog in the room. I of course knew this would happen, Slinky does not settle down unless he is forced to. Which is why for now, I crate him. Some may think it is cruel, but he knows when it's time to "settle down" and he goes in there on his own accord. Dogs are den animals, and it is like his bedroom. So anyway, I wound up being kindly asked to leave at 1:30 in the morning when Slinky just couldn't calm down. Which is fine, I love my bed and my pillows and nothing made me happier than to read my book and fall asleep in my bed, ALONE! Can you sense the overflowing commitment issues here? I am like Freud's wet dream, and yes, I have daddy issues too.

I really have a lot of hope and goals for this year, and I think chasing guys could really get in the way of that. I am getting off to a good start by the way (sense the irony). So we shall see. And there is always pinche Harry. I think it may be good to hold him on this pedestal, just to keep me away from worrying about any other men around here. Because honestly, I can't go have coffee with a guy without compairing him to Harry. I'd love to go visit him in LA, especially right now, however I can't. I can't give myself to him like that (I visited in September! And then met him in Orlando in October--it is his turn to seek me out). And I fear, one more time with him and I will officially be infatuated. Then I will be doomed. Ahhh, who am I kidding, I am already infatuated with him and I am already completely doomed.

Sick of being sick

All, if you have had contact with me in the last week I'd recommend that you notify the CDC. I was sick before Thanksgiving and I am sick again now. I NEVER get sick and now twice in a few weeks time? I checked on WebMD and I'm pretty sure I have the Bird Flu, that or Ebola.

Ghost Chasing

This is a quick one. Last night Alba and I went over to our property manager's apartment to hangout but soon found out he had alternative motives. No, it's nothing dirty! He started by saying, "You guys have to promise you won't freak out." Like hell! Anyway, he proceeds to tell us they found our neighbor, DEAD in his apartment, yes, as in the apartment right next door. Hell yeah I freaked out. I had nightmares last night that I was being chased by ghosts in this labyrinth, and that my mom came to stay with me in my apartment to ward off the evil spirits. The really scary thing is, they suspect he passed away on Wednesday night. Well, Slinky was so crazy on Wednesday night. I had to take him out at 2 in the morning, I never have to take him out in the middle of the night. And he just kept howling and barking. Animals are so amazing. They have such astute senses. Anyway, can I crash on someone's couch until my lease is up?

Oh! And then let's tie is back to my little emotional breakdown about dying alone and that episode of Six Feet Under. Freaky huh?

I am a moon goddess, hear me roar!

Today I went to my first moon circle. I would tell you all what we did, but a good little Moon Goddess does not circle and tell.

I had my tarot read and it had some interesting insights for me to hear. The tarot is a powerful window into the soul of the universe. It was very empowering to harness the energy of the world and women around me, and have the answers the universe wants to give to me.

I really need to catch up on my Zzzz's. I have a runway show tommorow and the runway and show are so long that they estimate we will have walked 4 miles of runway by the time the show is over. Let's hope I am not fashion roadkill!

Don't worry, they have a very lovely life

I was flipping through the channels while eating my lovely dinner (alone) and I stopped at Six Feet Under. It shows a woman, eating alone and then she suddenly chokes. Cut to, a week later when they discover her body. This is coming off a very long lonely weekend that officially marked the beginning of my first holiday season alone. Last year I had Jordan, and the previous years my parents lived in town. This year it was about 4 hours of family time, and 4 days of avoiding stores. Which meant a lot of walks with Slinky to Wash Park, lots of cleaning and lots of Netflix (I do not recommend The Libertine, I do recommend Bridge and Prejudice). I did have some get togethers with my fabulous friends and what not, but it was one of those weekends that while I kept busy, I felt completly alone. For the first time since my breakup I felt the need for true intimacy. I missed being held while I fell asleep. And waking up with someone--and not feeling scared or trying hard to remember their name. So this combined with the fact that I will be on my moon soon, and then add to it the "cautionary tale of the lonely woman" on Six Feet Under, I lost it. I literally cried for an hour straight. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. I spent 20 minutes on the bathroom floor with a roll of toliet paper wiping my tears. And then something happened. I realized I was sorry. Sorry for not knowing how to love, sorry for being a bad girlfriend, sorry for all of those times where I was jealous, or possessive, or out of line. I asked for forgiveness (from whom, I'm not really sure) but I asked to learn, and have compassion. And be able to love next time without such pain. And then I looked at pictures of Jordan and me... but past those pictures there were pictures of my friends, and my family. And I realized I do know how to love. I just didn't know how to love him. And then Harry called. He called just to say Hi. And that is exactly what I needed. Since I met him, in my mind he has been the reminder that those men are out there. His call could not have come at a better time.

The Characters in Mi Vida

Get to know the people I will most likely refer to most in this blog.

There is me, Juana Beso. I am 25 years old, and recently out of a 2.5 yr relationship. I work for a small chain of movie theaters, I love movies and I love my job, most of the time. I have a dog, Slinky*, who is the current love of my life. I am 80% grit and 20% sunshine. I can also be a little slutty at times. My favorite nickname is "Naughty Minx," that is what Muffin calls me...because I ask her to.

Jordan--my ex. Who was a wonderful man, but we just weren't compatible. He was too dependent, lacked some motivation and the ability to take charge.

Gabe--my soulmate, my best friend, my partner in crime. I don't have a thought he hasn't already had, and I can't say something that isn't utterly predictable to him. He lives in Florida and not a day goes by where we don't have some sort of communication. He knows my deepest darkest secrets, and I trust him with my life. He is actually my second benefactor for my life insurance policy.

Shaunae-- my hermana hermosa. The Blonde bombshell. She is so amazing and strong.

Alba--my fabulous roomate. What more can I say? She has been a true blessing to me at this point in my life. She is a strong mujer, beautiful, and she inspires me!

Muffin--one of my oldest friends. I have known her since middle school. She is my blog inspiration.

Chinchilla -- another fellow blogger but also real life friend. The hottest librarian I've ever seen. I have not returned books on purpose just hoping that she will find me and punish me.

SpecialK -- I may not talk about him a lot or at all, but just know he is my BIG. Emotionally and physically I fall apart when I see him. Actually, just a call or a text will make my knees a little wobbly. I think it's mostly due to the fact that my attraction to him was so deep while I was with Jordan, it needs to be cultivated. If he didn't live in Gotham City I would go visit him, but why the hell would I go somewhere more cold than where I'm at?

Parents-- Love them. They are crazy but in a lovable way. They live in Deltona Florida.






* all names have been changed to protect the innocent.