Here's to you racist-classist Hot Guy!

What if you were on a first date and the first question someone asked you was deeply personal and offensive? How would you react? Well. I don't think my reaction was true to form, because I was blinded by his incredibly sexy South African accent and gorgeous smile. One of the first questions Mr. Elite asks me is, "What is up with Puerto Rican women and Black guys? Aren't they worried about diseases?" Umm, excuse me? Come again? Pardon? I was completely caught off guard. How do you begin to answer that? Let alone to someone who comes from a different continent where in fact, the Black population may be more affected by diseases, however it may have something to do with, I don't know, GLORIFIED INSTITUTIONAL RACISM?! I am very opinionated and will not shy away. But I think a valuable part of being open minded--or the true definition of the term--is to listen to the other side. Which I did. With that gorgeous accent, and those beautiful white teeth, and that hair... wait wait wait, he is saying things that I don't agree with! Or do I? Truth be told I am conservative on a lot of issues. And while I acknowledge the institutional barriers set up for people in this country, I believe in the power of motivation. If you want to be something, you will become it. With that said, that takes incredible strength, that is not always easy to muster when you are living in the projects and have to pass people shooting heroin to get to your apartment. All experiences I have lived and my mother has lived. And somehow we left those places and did not get sucked in. Was it the love of family? Was it our own desire to be more? I can't tell you. I can tell you unfortunately my story is the exception to the rule. I realize that everyday of my life. I am where I am because of a unique set of circumstances and a unique blend of blessings.

Needless to say, the conversation stirred a lot in me. And while I was not thrilled with his opinions, I was not appal ed. And more importantly, I appreciated his honesty. I hate when people say, "I'm not racist!" but then are truly surprised when they hear Barack Obama speak and say, "Wow, he's articulate!" What, did you expect him not to be? That is racism in my mind. So anyway. I would like to see his pearly teeth and sexy accent again, but maybe we can talk about movies, and hobbies next time.

I have no time for this

So, I do believe I have been officially broken. Friday night Brian TEXTED me that he needed a "rain check" for our date. Who the fuck asks for a rain check for a date? Can you at least have the decency to call me? I was 3 drinks in at this time, 6 feet tall and bullet proof and I wrote him, "No rain check needed. I don't waste my time with people who don't know what they want." LOL... but I was crying on the inside, which leaked outside. On the car ride home, I could barely keep the tears from flowing. When I walked in, ready to fling myself on my bed with Rocco under my arm, I was faced with a room full of Moon Goddesses. Shit, we are hosting moon circle at the house this moon. But I couldn't handle it and ran to my room and cried, sobbed, and heaved would be the more appropriate term really. Why had this guy broken me down? Why this guy who I've been out with 3 times? Why now?

I think the answer is simple. He has been the first guy I have met that meets more than the minimum of my criteria. I am attracted to him, he has a great job in which he is passionate about, he dresses well (DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT MY LUNCH DATE WITH A GUY IN SWEAT PANTS?! WTF??? WHO WEARS SWEATS ON A FIRST DATE, EVEN IF IT IS A LUNCH DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), is fun to talk to, enjoys the same things I do, on and on and on. The lesson I came of this is: Never settle for anything less than butterflies (not my words, but you get it). This goes back to my obsession with making lists lately. I will not settle for anything minimum. I know I know what I want, and I need to stop fooling myself. This includes hanging out with people who are "nice" or "easy to talk to." I want to make love to him in the morning!
I want to be excited when he calls! I want to get butterflies thinking about our last kiss! I want fireworks! Brian was the first guy to awaken that, locally anyway. I got overly excited at the possibility of him. This too shall pass.

-- Juana Beso, no longer smitten.

Movie Reviews

I've seen some AWESOME flicks these past few weeks, wanted to share with you all.

1) Do it For Johnny--a local indie flick. Not sure where you can find it, but look for it playing somewhere! It's about this group of filmmakers who have a script they desperately want Johnny Depp to read. So they build a special guitar for him with the script in the back. The movie is their two year journey to find the elusive, Johnny Depp.
2) Dreamgirls--yes, I know this makes me sounds like a drag queen. But I LOVED IT! And I'm not ashamed to admit it. The costumes, the make up, the music, the glamour, I almost exploded. The acting is fantastic as well. Don't take the guys though.
3) Sherrybaby--extreme caution with this. It will tear your heart from your chest and do Riverdance on it if you or your family has struggled with addiction and jail time. The story hit so close to home for me and I found myself sobbing in one part. Maggie Gyllenhaul got snubbed for an Oscar nom if you ask me. The movie makes you ask, "Are there any good people in this world?... Are the bad people really bad?" I'm telling you, heartbreaking.

Still Smitten

Smitten with life a little. I get to plan a fabulous cocktail party for work, and I say fabulous because I'm planning it, and it will be. And Brian, ah Brian... my tall Latino drink of water. We have hung out a few more times and he is a good guy, a bit confused and torn, but a good guy. I think I was right about this one.

I have started making lists of what I want. I used to believe it was more important to know what I didn't want but I am realizing what a load of crap that is. To realize what you don't want sets the stage for pure mediocrity. I went to the coffee shop with Deena and we wrote in our journals for like 2 hours. Thank god for friends going thru quarter life crises as well. It was one of the most healing things I've done in awhile. I listed, point by point the things I wanted in my career, and in my love life. Since then my outlook has changed and everything seems a little more manageable, like there is a purpose to all of it.

I went to yoga last night, again with Deena. She is like my lesbian life partner these days. Actually, she's just a phenomenal friend whose presence alone has helped me get through a lot these past few months. I felt like a new person when I left. And then I had a very odd, random conversation with Brian at The Spot. We talked about exes, and why relationships are hard to manage right now. I got a little sad, because it seems like he is not over his ex, nor is he ready for a relationship. And I am ready for a relationship, just not a serious one. But then he left it with, "I want to keep building on this and what we have. I want to take you out, I want to ask you out--it's Wednesday, and I am asking you out for a Friday." So weird mixed messages right? I was also called, "smoking hot" for the first time in my life. That is something that needs to be recorded, it's pretty monumental :)